I read the comment from one of the readers(idak la I ni ber feeling feeling mcm banyak nau yg baca tis blog),in my last entry last evening.As a binik yg lonely lagi ter neglected,I mmg selalu je over reacting.So sad.Terasa I la binik paling malang tak berbau in this world,I lupa kat lua sana there are plenty of binik2 yg lagi sengsara than me.Specially when i read the first line,"dik,why you put up with his shit".Kata orang,the truth is ugly.I have no words.Sudahnya semalaman I duduk termenung,jadi seorang pemikir.Tak hade mood terus nak nengok cerita The Rum Diary.Sorry la ye bang Johnny.
I'am trying to find the strenght in me to respond about the question in this blog.I've never been very good at words.Grammar pon tonggang langgang(kan Pam).Tak sanggup rasanya I nak explain about the detail.I try not to remember those moment.Fact it's was haunted me everdyday.I kenal Ash from my friend,tak penah jumpa pon.It's was a blind date la kaedahnya then after the 1st meeting we both terasa ada kimia pulak.puih...Tak sampai 1 year pon berkasih kasihan,he proposed me.Actually I ni tak Ia desperate nak menikah cause I ada banyak lagi benda nak buat i.e future study,cari keja best(after met him, I tak bekerja dah)but setelah dipujuk oleh my mak I pon menikah la.Tak de la I put the blame on my mak.His mum pon mmg nak Ash settle down cause(da tua,his friend mostly da beranak pinak),da tak lalu nak hadap betina2 yg Ash bawak balik,tak kena dimata her(yg his mum berkenan da kawin dng jantan lain pulak).Why me?I educated than Apam.I thought la cause rasanya ni la one of the reasons why his mum chose me.Sebolehnya I don't want to mention anything about his parent,apatah lagi write about benda2 yg kurang baik but 1st time I met his parent dulu,his mum punya muka sangatlah ketat.Siap tanya I ni berkelulusan apa?Makapak I duduk bunglo mana?Cukup la ye.Beside nk compare dng his others betina I tak kenal pulak(now da banyak yg I tahu.Ash the real asshole)
I was agreed to menikah because I thought,after I berlaki nti ada someone to menumpang kasih dng cara yg halal disisi agama,ada tempat mengadu,yg akan sokong kerjaya dan cita2 I,I dreamed of a life like he promised but he'd broke my dreams.He'd broke everything.Salah I cause tak buat background check.I received his thight penampau only after 3 months menikah.Almost everyday I terkejut beruk dng perangai setan him and his apamfuck rules and regulation.I cermin myself yg serba tiada ini,be the good wife,I buang perangai manja tak bertempat I to pleasing him,tak bermasyarakat,berkawan pon dng horang2 yg kena dimata him,berpakaian ala2 Apam:please la,tak koser I ok!.I ke yg tak cukup baik for him?.I tak tahu dimana silapnya.We had a difficult talk.It will end up dng sepak terajang,baling balingan dan sumpah sumpahan.
Kalau Bang Hj nk carikan I kerja,boleh sangat but what do I expect from jantan bacul mcm tis Hj.Takut the binik and the society yg sikit2 nak hukum org masuk neraka tahu kekejianya.But at least tis Hj promised me that no matter what,he will always embrace me.Tolong I semampu him.And he did it.Yes,Ash was successfully meletakan I di bawah tapak kaki him.He was never respected me as a wife and he managed to make me lost my confidence.Anon,can u tell me how should I rebuild my life?Perlu ke I tagih simpati org kat lua sana?Minta org bagi I kerja?I tried specially after my only lillte princess left me.Mommy miss you so much,Princess.See,emotional I dibuatnya.
Ash told me,if I dpt kerja nti I've to pay the house rental and all my bills.Tell you what,in my morahan purse now cuma ada 1$.The rest,yg kunon2nya I nak stand by incase I terpaksa kelua from this house itu,selamat I invested in JJ dotdot last new year cause da lama tak berbaju baru.All tis while I tak penah beli baju at JJ.Mesken2 pon I bought it from Zarak ke Manggok ke but I'am not trying to say org lain yg beli baju at JJ ni tak kelas ye.Sama je mcm p the other boutiques like Zarak,ada yg murah dan mahal.In other words am trying to say Ash tak bagi I sesen pon.If I nak apa2 kena tunggu his mood baik mithali even if I teringin nak beli ice cream yg ber rege 50 cent.
Pack up my rete benda and get out of tis house.I wish I could be the shameless jalang so I can leave tis house and stay with Bang Hj without regret.I stayed because I tak tahu nak kemana.I takut end up just like my other friends,after menjanda macam2 jantan di trynya and i know Bang Hj tak akan kawin dng I.Afraid of being alone actually.It's very difficult for me to adjust to being alone again.I tak mungkin back to my parent house cause I don't think yg I sanggup tengok my mak menangis over my broken marriage and I just don't want to be a burden to my family.Cukup la Ash sorang je yg anggap I ni as a liability.Burden.I still remember,kata Ash before I menikah dng him pon I mmg tak kerja so don't be so demanding sangat.Sometimes he sibuk bercerita about his friend yg the binik bergaji besau and afford to beli mcm2 for the husband then when I told him why he tak cari anak sultan sana then he tak payah keja.Duduk rumah pegang kote je.Why menikah dng I?Diam seribu bahasa him.Same thing kaedahnya when everytime he tried to compared me with other betinas lain."eh,I suka pompuan yg simple,yg boleh disodok rectum nya,yg boobs nya XXL size without silicon".Haram jaddah!
thanks for your kind comment
I was missing Bang Hj so much last night cause I need someone to talk.I miss him badly,it's a most wonderful painful thing that happen to me then I pon sms Bang Hj yg jauh dimata jauh dihati itu.He replied immediately.
miss u too salam dari Jakarta