Friday, February 17, 2012

The Heartbreaking Words

I read the comment from one of the readers(idak la I ni ber feeling feeling mcm banyak nau yg baca tis blog),in my last entry last evening.As a binik yg lonely lagi ter neglected,I mmg selalu je over reacting.So sad.Terasa I la binik paling malang tak berbau in this world,I lupa kat lua sana there are plenty of binik2 yg lagi sengsara than me.Specially when i read the first line,"dik,why you put up with his shit".Kata orang,the truth is ugly.I have no words.Sudahnya semalaman I duduk termenung,jadi seorang pemikir.Tak hade mood terus nak nengok cerita The Rum Diary.Sorry la ye bang Johnny.

I'am trying to find the strenght in me to respond about the question in this blog.I've never been very good at words.Grammar pon tonggang langgang(kan Pam).Tak sanggup rasanya I nak explain about the detail.I try not to remember those moment.Fact it's was haunted me everdyday.I kenal Ash from my friend,tak penah jumpa pon.It's was a blind date la kaedahnya then after the 1st meeting we both terasa ada kimia pulak.puih...Tak sampai 1 year pon berkasih kasihan,he proposed me.Actually I ni tak Ia desperate nak menikah cause I ada banyak lagi benda nak buat i.e future study,cari keja best(after met him, I tak bekerja dah)but setelah dipujuk oleh my mak I pon menikah la.Tak de la I put the blame on my mak.His mum pon mmg nak Ash settle down cause(da tua,his friend mostly da beranak pinak),da tak lalu nak hadap betina2 yg Ash bawak balik,tak kena dimata her(yg his mum berkenan da kawin dng jantan lain pulak).Why me?I educated than Apam.I thought la cause rasanya ni la one of the reasons why his mum chose me.Sebolehnya I don't want to mention anything about his parent,apatah lagi write about benda2 yg kurang baik but 1st time I met his parent dulu,his mum punya muka sangatlah ketat.Siap tanya I ni berkelulusan apa?Makapak I duduk bunglo mana?Cukup la ye.Beside nk compare dng his others betina I tak kenal pulak(now da banyak yg I tahu.Ash the real asshole)

I was agreed to menikah because I thought,after I berlaki nti ada someone to menumpang kasih dng cara yg halal disisi agama,ada tempat mengadu,yg akan sokong kerjaya dan cita2 I,I dreamed of a life like he promised but he'd broke my dreams.He'd broke everything.Salah I cause tak buat background check.I received his thight penampau only after 3 months menikah.Almost everyday I terkejut beruk dng perangai setan him and his apamfuck rules and regulation.I cermin myself yg serba tiada ini,be the good wife,I buang perangai manja tak bertempat I to pleasing him,tak bermasyarakat,berkawan pon dng horang2 yg kena dimata him,berpakaian ala2 Apam:please la,tak koser I ok!.I ke yg tak cukup baik for him?.I tak tahu dimana silapnya.We had a difficult talk.It will end up dng sepak terajang,baling balingan dan sumpah sumpahan.

Kalau Bang Hj nk carikan I kerja,boleh sangat but what do I expect from jantan bacul mcm tis Hj.Takut the binik and the society yg sikit2 nak hukum org masuk neraka tahu kekejianya.But at least tis Hj promised me that no matter what,he will always embrace me.Tolong I semampu him.And he did it.Yes,Ash was successfully meletakan I di bawah tapak kaki him.He was never respected me as a wife and he managed to make me lost my confidence.Anon,can u tell me how should I rebuild my life?Perlu ke I tagih simpati org kat lua sana?Minta org bagi I kerja?I tried specially after my only lillte princess left me.Mommy miss you so much,Princess.See,emotional I dibuatnya.

Ash told me,if I dpt kerja nti I've to pay the house rental and all my bills.Tell you what,in my morahan purse now cuma ada 1$.The rest,yg kunon2nya I nak stand by incase I terpaksa kelua from this house itu,selamat I invested in JJ dotdot last new year cause da lama tak berbaju baru.All tis while I tak penah beli baju at JJ.Mesken2 pon I bought it from Zarak ke Manggok ke but I'am not trying to say org lain yg beli baju at JJ ni tak kelas ye.Sama je mcm p the other boutiques like Zarak,ada yg murah dan mahal.In other words am trying to say Ash tak bagi I sesen pon.If I nak apa2 kena tunggu his mood baik mithali even if I teringin nak beli ice cream yg ber rege 50 cent.

Pack up my rete benda and get out of tis house.I wish I could be the shameless jalang so I can leave tis house and stay with Bang Hj without regret.I stayed because I tak tahu nak kemana.I takut end up just like my other friends,after menjanda macam2 jantan di trynya and i know Bang Hj tak akan kawin dng I.Afraid of being alone actually.It's very difficult for me to adjust to being alone again.I tak mungkin back to my parent house cause I don't think yg I sanggup tengok my mak menangis over my broken marriage and I just don't want to be a burden to my family.Cukup la Ash sorang je yg anggap I ni as a liability.Burden.I still remember,kata Ash before I menikah dng him pon I mmg tak kerja so don't be so demanding sangat.Sometimes he sibuk bercerita about his friend yg the binik bergaji besau and afford to beli mcm2 for the husband then when I told him why he tak cari anak sultan sana then he tak payah keja.Duduk rumah pegang kote je.Why menikah dng I?Diam seribu bahasa him.Same thing kaedahnya when everytime he tried to compared me with other betinas lain."eh,I suka pompuan yg simple,yg boleh disodok rectum nya,yg boobs nya XXL size without silicon".Haram jaddah!

Anon,
thanks for your kind comment

I was missing Bang Hj so much last night cause I need someone to talk.I miss him badly,it's a most wonderful painful thing that happen to me then I pon sms Bang Hj yg jauh dimata jauh dihati itu.He replied immediately.

+6285**090****
miss u too salam dari Jakarta

7 comments:

Nina said...

hi.. i am ur silent reader.. dh khatam baca semua archive u until the recent post.. and im so sorry to hear about ur marriage.. just some comments..

- what is ur niat sebenarnya masa u kawin dgn ur husband? is it sebab harta? sebab i rasa takkanla u naif sgt kawin dgn org yg u tak berapa kenal a few days ?? because ur an educated woman, byk campur dgn orang, i trust u must have some judgement.. takkan these things tak pernah terlintas dlm kepala u before u got married to him? maybe u should muhasabah dulu dan fikir semasak-masaknya.. what is ur real intention when marrying him.. is it sebab niat u dulu tak baik then u dpt karma macamni?

- about abg Hj, i tak agree dgn anonymous comment dlm prev entry for u to contact him and get his help. come on, u wife orang and u sakit hati bila Apam contact ur husband, so u mesti tau macam mana perasaan wife Hj bila u buat camtu kt her husband.. remember, what comes around goes around..

- satu lg, i rasa kalau u nak compare urself dgn ur hubby, u pun mcm lebih kurang 2x5 jer.. so he cheated on u.. u pun sama jugak bermain cinta dgn Hj even ur married..

just ingat.. sometimes whatever things that happened to us is karma.. maybe sbb u penah main cinta dgn laki org before masa u anak dara sbb tu u diturunkan bala ni.. i just hope that u realize this. tak salah jadi janda, asalkan u pandai jaga diri. jgn kisah sgt sentiment org lain, who cares? my advise is to get out from this shit ASAP, be independent, jgn nyusahkan or kacau laki orang.. ur still young (even younger than me !!!) it is not that hard if u kuatkan hati u..

Anonymous said...

Salam cik Nina, I do not believe in karma (boleh ke kita caya karma) neither do I believe that whatever Biah's niat has anything to do with the fact that her husband sounds like a real jerk. As far as Abg Aji is concerned, I am not asking her to shack up with him, just to ask for help, perhaps get a job. Yes, as much as I emphatize with Abg Aji's wife, her husband sounds like many miang old men. If it isn't Biah, it will be somebody else.

I do agree with you - tak salah jadi janda and get out ASAP. A woman can be independent and take care of herself. Every body deserves to be happy. If I were Biah, I would tell my family and ask for help. but then again, my family may not be like hers. Apa apa pun, I believe we "make" our own happiness. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Dik, sorry if I hurt your feelings. Didn't mean to make you more miserable. Just my 2 cents' worth. Take care

Anonymous said...

biah... me too your silent reader... mmg lah .. nak keluar from your comfort zone ni payah .... easy said than done.. but... pls make a move .. try at least ... jgn pikir banyak sangat... skang ni you start dulu cari keja... dia nak suh you bayar ker tak ker bayar jer ... janji you dah ada duit sendiri...

about abg haji tu.. you lupakan lah .. laki orang .. baik you bina hidup you ...

Anonymous said...

dear nina,
thanks for your concern
as for the question no1,it's not because of harta benda him.tell you what before menikah pon Ash never pamper me with segala bentuk material.I boleh dpt apa saja from the exes(specially him) and he was 17 kali berharta benda than Ash

FYI since I menikah,I mmg tak ada sebarang hubungan centa dng tis Hj apatah lagi bercakap2 benda2 yg berbaur napsu.beside da bertahun I refused to meet him.kalau nak seribu daya.tis Hj's third office sangat la dekat dng myplace

It's obvious to see why I don't simply back to tis Hj,before his mum meninggal dlu tis Hj da beriya nk menikah but tak perlu la I explain kat sini why I tak hendak jadi the 2nd binik

Biah

biah gorgeous said...

anon1,

It's ok.normal la pompuan lembik mcm I ni sikit2 nak sedih.touched la sangat.and i don't believe in karma too.boleh ke I ckp "tis's karma la" to Hj's binik cause before tis the binik merampas tis Hj from the ex-binik and his innocent boys.alasan nk menghalalkan cara.

As adik2,I will always respect any opinions from both of you(nina)

biah gorgeous said...

anon2,
yes,it's easier said than done cause no one truly tahu apa yg patut dibuat bila satu2 problem dtg until la they're actually in it