Monday, May 14, 2012

Tak semudah kata-kata

I don't find the strength in me to write about this topic actually cause membuka pekung didada ini serupalah dengan menyakiti hati yang memang sedia sakit ni.But apa lagi pilihan yang I ada?.Duduk jauh diperantauan dan bersendirian.How I wish I could at least talk to mysisters about mydisaster marriage but the truth is I tak sanggup melukakan banyak hati.Well,It always senang bercakap cakap daripada melakukan apa yang dicakap cakap kan itu.Just like when people asked me to pack my rete benda then berambus away from this house.

There was a time that I really really loved him,laki I kan.Beside,get excitement between two legs kan memerlukan perasaan cinta.Enough la duk bagi statement it because of tanggungjawab ,biah oi or like Kak Apam fefek merenyam suka duk cakap"ter*****".Mengaku je la yang fefek you tu sama gatal dengan jejari gemoks you itu.Hal dalam bedroom pon nak propa in the pasebook .Ok back to cerita laki I,specially bila his mood sangat baik like tak menyakitkan jiwa raga I dengan kata kata yang mega haram jadah etc but then rasa centa itu tak pernahnya bertahan more than 1 week.He quickly turned out to be the jantan I hated most.Ye,I tak cakap yang I tak pernah rasa bahagia sepanjang pernikah ini(boleh dibilang dengan jari).I da penat actually,sama penat dengan orang orang yang duk membaca keluh kesah I.Why is so hard to walk away from this marriage?.Ada saja yang menghalangnya which I can't write about it in this blog.Terlalu peribadi and I've swallowed hard in my throat.Sakitnya Tuhan saja yang tahu.

I've heard lots of hearsay specially from orang orang yang da berbelas puluh tahun mengadap pahit manis perkahwinan,some from mymak.The first 2 years of marriage ni selalunya sangat mencabar cause masih dalam proses nak sesuaikan diri but in my case hari hari yang I lalui sangatlah menyakitkan jiwa raga I and him too I guess even da lepas stage terkejut terkejut dengan perangai each other.Both memang tak sesuai hidup bersama.He's actually was verbally abusive me,the most selfish,inconsiderate,a control freak and immature jantan that I have ever met.I can't live the rest of mylife this way.I tak tahan sangat.

I wish I left him years ago,after dihalau,dihina dan dipukul.His parent begged me to stay.But my feeling haven't changed at all.Bertahun tahun I cuba ikhlas kan hati I dengan ketentuan ini.Menerima apa adanya.Ini lah karma,even mati mati I tak percaya karma,yang I tahu dulu I and Bang Hj selalu la duk buang masa at Karma,Hartamas.Ada lagi ke tempat ni?.I want to be out of this marriage.Kalau boleh hari ni juga but ketahuilah yang I terikat dengan batas batas agama dan seribu satu alasan yang mengikat I.Why is such a crime???

I don't want to hurt many people(both family) but I don't want to be like this for the rest of mylife either.I don't think that laki I happy with me either and I don't know his reason for staying.I tahu any conversation yang melibatkan hal cerai berai ni akan berakhir dengan drama air mata while I sendiri masih tak berpekerjaan.Laki I tak izinkan I berkerja at ****.Kata him,I tak sesuai kerja as PA.Kalau I suka suka terima kerja sebegitu without his permission,I boleh jatuh kepada nusyuz and yes I really really need some advise from the bijak pandai one about this issue.What if I leave this house without his permission?.What will happen to me?.At this point I have to decide that enough is enough.I can't stay in this marriage anymore because I penat sangat...I tahu yang I juga bersalah.I have my fault too.I've done things that have hurt him.Like mengata him in this blog and I have a lot shame and guilty actually.So I think it enough to putting all the blame on him sesaja and I wish I could do this without hurting him...

Sekian,keluh kesah untuk hari ini...

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