Monday, October 28, 2013

a few difficult words


Fernando will menikah within 2 or 3 weeks from today and yes I don't have the strength to blog about the way I feel.But am sure macam ni la jantan tu rasa masa I p gatal menikah senyap senyap with my current husband.

I asik la terfikir nak stalk his pasebook & instageram.Nak tengok la how's that janten advertised betapa bahagia ku nak kawin dengan betina lain but tetap la ku pendam perasaan ingin menyebok itu deep down to my bones then when I look at Adam's picture lagi la aku kuat kan semangat yang ada ni.Tak akan aku stalk that janten dengan apa cara sekali pon.

Fuhh...nak p bawak diri pon tak tahu nak kemana beside I tak sampai hati nak tinggalkan Adam.Ikut kan nak je I p ikut Bella outstation,pompuan tu p keje then I p la merayap around the Stockholm's town membawa hati.Tak pon p ikut the Hj tour Kazakhstan.Bella said if I p ikut the Hj sure I hilang ingatan terus...

How I wish I could call him.Bukan nak menagih centa yang da tak ada tu but I just want to hear his voice maybe for the last time then nak juga la I ni menghucapkan sepatah or dua about pernikahan him but it so difficult and am feel so afraid...I takut akan terus terluka cause I know I can't take it anymore....Breakingheart is hurt.

***

Last Saturday hati I jadi tak keruan dibuatnya.I rasa macam nak nangis but tak ada air mata.I packed Adam's things then p shopping.I walked around the mall,masih la duk terfikir where we went wrong.Menyesali kesilapan lalu,why la I can't control myself and p gatal tinggal him dulu.Then I realized bodonya diri ku ini,sudah sudah la...Fact is am losing him longgg time ago.

Bang Hj cakap,"awat la you p sibuk duk teringat kan that jantan?.Abg sure you tak penah stalk myfb"(both janten not in myfriend list include Ash).It's true,tak ada kerja la I nak p stalk him cause segalanya terang dan nyata beside I da tak berharap lagi to the Hj,rasa bersalah pon tak ada langsung.Let say if I sakit hati the way he treat me(after bercerai berai) I will talk straight to his face sampai la orang tua tu merajuk berminggu minggu.

I nak cakap to the Hj,sometimes I do missing him so much.I rindu nak bergayut on the phone berfore I go to sleep.I rindu nak p shopping and makan makan dengan him.I juga rindu nak walk to the park dengan him.Now ada Adam,kemana saja I akan bawa Adam with me but I masih rasa yang hidup ku adalah incomplete(serupa mak Jane dah).There will be a time(bila da pandai cakap),Adam will ask me kenapa daddy selalu tak ada masa p merayap with us or he will pandang pandang when he see other kids with their parent merayap bersama...

and now I can feel my wet eyes...


p/s:to all,tq for your kind comments

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

sayap sayap patah


Hi uols,Happy Eid Al-Adha...
Special occasions macam ni mula la I duk terkenangkan my late brother and I miss my little Zara a lot.If only he was still alive am sure he will do something for me and Adam and he would sayang Adam as much as he sayang me & Bella (adik manja sangat)

I sudah mendapatkan khidmad nasihat from the avang lawyer and setelah I memberi sepatah dua kata to that janten rumah tak bertangga I kembali tenang.There's no more ombak rindu la kaedahnya.Di tengah malam buta that janten mintak ampun from me.I didn't say a words pon cause the maafs already gone.Tak perlu la kau memohon maap segala cause I knew diri mu tetap la tak akan berubah.

Well I tahu that jantan decided to stay just because of Adam.I do told him yang diri ku tidak mengchintaing dirinya aymore.That jantan je yang tak terkata about the way he feel.Nevermind la khennn...I've said my peace.I do love Adam too but I don't think I could stay in tis broken marriage anymore.I want to be free and as in my previous post I know it will be so much harder to Adam and am feel bad about it but I da tak ada pilihan lagi.If I stay,the cycle continues.Both of us will gaduh over and over again and Adam will get hurt too.

The avang lawyer asked me,adakah I mempunyai jantan lain.Ish,pandai je kan.I ni memamg tak ada masa nak berscandal segala and let say if I ni ada kekasih gelap sekalipon sure la jantan tu makan hati dengan I cause nak berdating sorok sorok tu tak usah diharap la khenn...Nak berbalas message pon aku tak ada masa.I mempunyai tahap awareness yang sangat tinggi about tupai yang suka melopat then will fall in the ground jugak.That the reason why I tak berani nak jumpa the Hj berdua duan cause I takut terjatuh centa lagi dengan jantan tu.I juga tahu if I dicekup cureng sekalipon I can still dapat hak penjagaan Adam.

Ada orang penah cakap dengan I,when everytime I duk bergaduh+bertekak dengan that janten lalu hati jadi panas & dalam pale otak duk ingat nak bercerai berai, p la tengok at Adam's eyes then sure hati ku yang keras umpama batu ni akan lembut.I tried la jugak,yes hati I adalah sangat tersentuh bila tengok at Adam's eyes.Then when I listened to his giggle,oh my heart continuesly broke...After that tetap la aku rasa nak bercerai jugak.The avang lawyer said"sementara anak masih kecil ni baiklah puan bercerai sebab anak tu tak tahu apa apa lagi".The tak best part is I tak berapa comfortable when the avang tak habis habis duk tanya I this and that.





Yes...divorce is ugly!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

the heartbroken


Kak Ngah provoked me by saying,"dulu Fernando punyalah cinta mati dengan you,dia ikut cakap you but you tu yang degil.Kepala batu,you tinggal dia.Now you rasa la how your laki and his weird family layan you".Fuhh...makan dalam ok and I can saw my heart retak seribu.Orang tua tu pon satu, suruh I lupankan that jantan but why la tak habis habis duk mengungkit kisah lalu yang so tragically tu.

Well,I just realized all my kakaks include Bella,my mum&dad,my late brother and my Abg Cik sayangkan Fernando as much as I sayang him dulu.I'm feel so bad. Heart continuously retak seribu(jiwang sangat eh...)

****

I've cried and cried serupa pompuan mati laki since last week.At work,my boss and the others pandang semacam je.Ye la mata I da macam kena gigit semut.No,it's not because of Fernando but it's because of I duk bergaduh dengan that jantan(laki bahabi).I pon tak faham why I sedih sangat cause it's not the first time that jantan cakap the things yang buat I sangat terluka(tak habis habis dengan terluka nya).I just can't believe that jantan sanggup cakap all these things.I myself tak pernah terfikir nak sakitkan hati him by saying that words(In tis blog tu lain cerita la khenn...)

The saddest part is lately we both laki binik duk bergaduh infront of our little darling,Adam.As a mother,am felt bad about that.We're not suppose to do such things.Adam just a small kid.I myself tak nak Adam gone through semua ni...I tak nak Adam ada memory yang tak baik about his parent.

I think masanya sudah tiba,we should choose our own direction.The Different direction...for the sake of our son.

Knowing him yang telonya berat sebelah,he's too afraid to face the reality.I know that jantan tak sampai hati nak berpisah dengan Adam.How can I take Adam away from him?.They adore each other.I myself,tak dapat bayangkan a night without Adam beside me.I can't imagine bila terpaksa berpisah dengan Adam during the weekend.I juga tak sanggup bila terpaksa turun naik court cause berebut hak penjagaan Adam...

Is it worth staying together just because of our son???.I feel trapped.We have nothing in common at all anymore.Dulu boleh la I cakap that"oh I do love him,in my way la" but now dah tak ada perasaan langsung ok yang ada benci dan dendam.I've tried very hard to berbaik dengan that jantan but it's difficult sangat.

The cerai berai will be tough for Adam.Apa boleh buat sayang,daddy tak pernah sayang mommy...Doa mommy semoga Adam sentiasa ada bersama.I love you so much son (oh...nangis lagik).However I'm sure Adam would like to see his mom happy.


to TTD :nak buat umrah but tak ada teman.I kan serupa tak ada laki(Bella cakap"abis tu yang beria nak p Paris tu bukan you nak p alone ke?")tak kan nak ajak the Bang Hj pulak.Apa pon doa kan je la niat I tercapai...