Monday, October 28, 2013

a few difficult words


Fernando will menikah within 2 or 3 weeks from today and yes I don't have the strength to blog about the way I feel.But am sure macam ni la jantan tu rasa masa I p gatal menikah senyap senyap with my current husband.

I asik la terfikir nak stalk his pasebook & instageram.Nak tengok la how's that janten advertised betapa bahagia ku nak kawin dengan betina lain but tetap la ku pendam perasaan ingin menyebok itu deep down to my bones then when I look at Adam's picture lagi la aku kuat kan semangat yang ada ni.Tak akan aku stalk that janten dengan apa cara sekali pon.

Fuhh...nak p bawak diri pon tak tahu nak kemana beside I tak sampai hati nak tinggalkan Adam.Ikut kan nak je I p ikut Bella outstation,pompuan tu p keje then I p la merayap around the Stockholm's town membawa hati.Tak pon p ikut the Hj tour Kazakhstan.Bella said if I p ikut the Hj sure I hilang ingatan terus...

How I wish I could call him.Bukan nak menagih centa yang da tak ada tu but I just want to hear his voice maybe for the last time then nak juga la I ni menghucapkan sepatah or dua about pernikahan him but it so difficult and am feel so afraid...I takut akan terus terluka cause I know I can't take it anymore....Breakingheart is hurt.

***

Last Saturday hati I jadi tak keruan dibuatnya.I rasa macam nak nangis but tak ada air mata.I packed Adam's things then p shopping.I walked around the mall,masih la duk terfikir where we went wrong.Menyesali kesilapan lalu,why la I can't control myself and p gatal tinggal him dulu.Then I realized bodonya diri ku ini,sudah sudah la...Fact is am losing him longgg time ago.

Bang Hj cakap,"awat la you p sibuk duk teringat kan that jantan?.Abg sure you tak penah stalk myfb"(both janten not in myfriend list include Ash).It's true,tak ada kerja la I nak p stalk him cause segalanya terang dan nyata beside I da tak berharap lagi to the Hj,rasa bersalah pon tak ada langsung.Let say if I sakit hati the way he treat me(after bercerai berai) I will talk straight to his face sampai la orang tua tu merajuk berminggu minggu.

I nak cakap to the Hj,sometimes I do missing him so much.I rindu nak bergayut on the phone berfore I go to sleep.I rindu nak p shopping and makan makan dengan him.I juga rindu nak walk to the park dengan him.Now ada Adam,kemana saja I akan bawa Adam with me but I masih rasa yang hidup ku adalah incomplete(serupa mak Jane dah).There will be a time(bila da pandai cakap),Adam will ask me kenapa daddy selalu tak ada masa p merayap with us or he will pandang pandang when he see other kids with their parent merayap bersama...

and now I can feel my wet eyes...


p/s:to all,tq for your kind comments

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