Thursday, June 11, 2015

begitulah cinta 2


I tak sihat, sakit lama datang balik which I kena selalu p ulang alik hospital and the next appointment will be on this coming bulan puasa. The doctor told me maybe I kena go through a minor operation.
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Referring on my previous post, I da lama ignored Bang Hj. Sometimes tu I still tak percaya, finally I managed to erased him from my daily life. I tak rindu dia lagi macam selalu,cinta jangan cakap la memang da lama terkubur.Dulu, I selalu percaya that he love me as much as I love him(puih!). I percaya yang dia tak happy dengan the binik and dia kena stay just for the sake of his innocent kids. The truth is dia tu memang jantan tak guna,he’s the selfish prick!.

Meanwhile he‘s still torturing me about mengapanya I tak jugak make an effort untuk bersama dia. It’s obvious to see kan yang I memang tak meninginkan dia lagi if not why on earth I p gatal menikah dengan Ash or if I ni masih lagi bodoh duk hadap jantan serupa dia I think da lama I lari rumah.

Dia tak faham why I masih stay in this marriage even diriku terseksa jiwa dan raga mengadadap laki dan kelorganya yang abnormal tu. First and foremost because of my financial problem yang masih tak settle lagi that the only reason why aku still mengadap the marriage. I don’t know why berat sangat hati I nak susahkan my parent and adik beradik. Bella always comfort me by saying yang I & Adam can always datang menumpang at her place. Dalam pada dia tak agree I nak bercerai berai suka suka hati (read:carikan bapak baru for Adam) but dia still cakap yang dia sanggup buat apa saja untuk dapatkan visa for me & Adam so that I can start a new life aboard.
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Anyway, masa tengah ambik diploma dulu,I had an affair dengan one off my classmate, dia budak Senawang. Percentaan tu last for 3 semester only. I left him sebab tak koser nak layan budak malas belajar plus stubborn. Things yang buat I hangin is bila dia sokmo refused nak attend art class which dia tak berkenan dengan the lecturer. End up dia repeat that subject sampai 3 kali then dismiss. I don’t understand what was in his mind.Dia tak firik about his parent feeling ke?Dia tak fikir about his own future ke?Marah betul I that time.For the reason which cannot be explain, I do sayang him actually (sampai la ni pon rasa sayang tu ada lagi) but tidak la sedalam sayang I pada Fernando.

Lepas kena dump dengan I yang chantik ni boleh pulak dia main konda kondi dengan akak senior from Sarawak (sebab nak sakitkan hati i).Pompuan tu pulak asal jumpa I je nak buat muka tak puas hati bukan ke dia patut buat sujud syukur,if not tak merasa la nak dapat my ex boye friend tau.Tapi tu la after I left him tu kan my life turn upside down and I nearly nak quit study then I met Bang Hj…I marah dia actually, cause I thought I just want to jolt him by saying yang I want to leave him,boleh pulak dia jatuh cinta dengan mak cik tu and he refused to talk to me bertahu tahun.Masa I tengah buat degree,my friend Lynn met him during the akak senior's convocation then dia sempat la kirim salam kat I and I know marah dia pada I da habis.Dia rindu I sebenarnya…

Few years back, before I nak menikah,I ada cakap dengan him through fb.I told him yang I marahkan dia sebab after I left him macam macam bad thing happened to me and I told him about the akak senior (tak chantik langsung) yang sokmo la duk staring staring I as if I pulak yang ambik laki dia.I juga invited him to my wedding tapi tu la dia tak datang pon.After I menikah pulak (masa I was in bandar puaka) once in a while I still cakap dengn him lagi tapi tu la it’s very difficult to tell him yang I masih sayang kan dia.Even masa tu rumah tangga I sokmo la di landa todak.Perhaps it because of I do respect my husband dignity la.

Recently pulak I notice that dia sokmo duk stalked me on the instageram and he end up to love my picture (yang serupa pompuan mati laki sebab baru balik keje & penat) & few days ago dia love Adam’s picture pulak. Then boleh pulak I had a dream about him but tu la I tak pernah la pulak terfikir nak contact him.I heard dia masih lagi dengan akak senior from Sarawak,nak kawin tak ada duit lagi and the akak senior(keje as cikgu) pulak setia la menunggu buah tak jatuh tu.

Deep down I know that he’s still love me too, I tahu dia rindukan I jugak and I juga tahu he know about my marriage situation from the bff puaka(swine!)
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Seriously I adalah sangat desperate, I miss of being wanted. I rindu nak bercinta lagi.Sebab I sunyi sangat.No please don’t get me wrong ye, it’s not about sex.I rindu nak p shopping baju cantik then p date,I rindu nak walk to the park,I rindu ada orang tergila gilakan I ,I rindu nak receive a bouquet of roses dan banyak lagi la.


On top of it,I still rasa that I’am soooo lucky cause I ada Adam…