Wednesday, July 1, 2015

begitulah cinta 3


I am so much happier since I became a mother (except rasa lonely without centa), and I ada banyak sebab to be happy. Currently, I ada steady job.My boss and my officemate semua baik baik (kalau nak compare dengan my previous work place la)at the same time I da mampu to contribute something to my family. I’am able to take Adam away whenever I rasa menyapah tengok muka my laki (read: p travel), see siapa kata duit tak boleh beli the happiness and the bff yang dulunya rasa I ni miskin cause tak ada perkerjaan da start nak get in touch dengan I (yang ni I tak proud pon) and let me clarify kat sini,I tak rasa pon depa jealous dengan I cause i sedar diri (or maybe I ada post on my previous entry) what made me feel upset is when I heard that they (I tak nak tahu siapa orang tu) spread about my miserable marriage to the others. Bff ke macam tu???
***

When I look back I macam tak percaya yang I finally decided to berbaik baik dengan Kak Hapam.I made a decision to memaafkan pompuan tu after I realized betapa penatnya dan bodonya dirinya ku tak habis habis sakit hati memikirkan lahabau dua ekor tu.

Kak Hapam is right when she said yang laki I itu adalah part of her life”ada sesuatu antara kita”.I can’t deny that fact that laki I pon memang centa mati habis dengan pompuan tu (Ash siap tease I lagi bila pompuan tu mengadu I carutkan her), jodoh untuk jadi laki binik je tak ada lagi. Tak ada faedah pon nak bergaduh serupa catdog for something yang bukan milik I.

Personally Kak Hapam tu tak ada la teruk mana,yes mulut I pon boleh tahan jahat jugak kan.Tapi tu la her idea yang kononya we both boleh jadi bff tu memang unacceptable. Tapi kan I still can’t control myrasa menyampah when every time I read her status on the chat apps or when we had a conversation,pompuan tu suka betul ask me the silly question yang buat I rasa annoy. I kena bersihkan hati…

Mak cik tu ada cerita about her background & segala cerita sedih,kesian jugak la I dengar and dia selalu cakap betapa beruntung I dapat jadi binik Ash.If only she knew the ugly truth about my marriage.

Sometimes I just wondering macam mana la Kak Hapam will handle the conflict and segala mak nenek problem if dia la yang terpilih jadi mantu hantu macam I.Ye la gaduh dengan laki pon duk sindir sindir in the pasebook.

Kuat ke dia bila ibhuk mertua duk rendah rendahkan keturunan and displease her,dengan pompuan tu beranak je kejenya…Dia tak tahu that she lucky cause dia tak perlu nak hadap the drama & makan hati bertahun tahun.Ye la maybe if dia jadi Ash’s binik tak ada la jantan tu displease her macam yang dia buat kat I kan. Sometimes mulut I ni gatal je nak tell her that at least dia kawin dengan jantan yang cinta & terima dia apa adanya even once in a while ada jugak la dia mengadu about perangai the laki.
***

I da jarang mimpi Fernando,kalau ada pon tak ada la I rasa serupa nak commit suicide and I don’t give a damn la kalau orang nak cakap this is the karma or whatever pon.I malas nak fikir fikir sangat cause I tak mintak pon nak mimpi jantan tu.Yes I can’t deny yang rasa sayang tu masih ada dan until today I tak pernah tell him about this. I tak tahu how to erase the feeling. Personally I don’t bother about him anymore cause perbuatan serupa itu tak mendatangkan apa apa kebaikan pada I nor him.

I wouldn’t be able to describe the feelings that come around my heart bila I teringat the last time I received the call from him. Katanya “get a life b”.Macam sial!.Tapi tu la why should I care kan cause I yang tinggalkan dia and jantan tu simply doing that cause he thought I akan kecewa serupa nak bunuh diri. Yes perbuatan that jantan adalah sangat mengecewakan hati I yang fragile.

Tapi tu la I dengan dia je yang tahu the truth about our love hate relationship even after I got married .Boleh ke dia lupa yang dia tu tak sudah sudah call I siang malam meluah perasaan ( I ni binik orang ok) then bila dia da dapat calon binik boleh pulak acted like I ni yang terhegeh hegeh dengan dia.Now I know why I decided not to come back to him even I ada banyak peluang untuk buat macam tu.
***


p/s: According to the very very reliable source (sapa lagi kalau bukan Tipah mami jarum) jantan Senawang tu akan tanya about me to almost everybody he meet or talk through chat apps (read: my classmate) and yes I memang perasan…






Thursday, June 11, 2015

begitulah cinta 2


I tak sihat, sakit lama datang balik which I kena selalu p ulang alik hospital and the next appointment will be on this coming bulan puasa. The doctor told me maybe I kena go through a minor operation.
***

Referring on my previous post, I da lama ignored Bang Hj. Sometimes tu I still tak percaya, finally I managed to erased him from my daily life. I tak rindu dia lagi macam selalu,cinta jangan cakap la memang da lama terkubur.Dulu, I selalu percaya that he love me as much as I love him(puih!). I percaya yang dia tak happy dengan the binik and dia kena stay just for the sake of his innocent kids. The truth is dia tu memang jantan tak guna,he’s the selfish prick!.

Meanwhile he‘s still torturing me about mengapanya I tak jugak make an effort untuk bersama dia. It’s obvious to see kan yang I memang tak meninginkan dia lagi if not why on earth I p gatal menikah dengan Ash or if I ni masih lagi bodoh duk hadap jantan serupa dia I think da lama I lari rumah.

Dia tak faham why I masih stay in this marriage even diriku terseksa jiwa dan raga mengadadap laki dan kelorganya yang abnormal tu. First and foremost because of my financial problem yang masih tak settle lagi that the only reason why aku still mengadap the marriage. I don’t know why berat sangat hati I nak susahkan my parent and adik beradik. Bella always comfort me by saying yang I & Adam can always datang menumpang at her place. Dalam pada dia tak agree I nak bercerai berai suka suka hati (read:carikan bapak baru for Adam) but dia still cakap yang dia sanggup buat apa saja untuk dapatkan visa for me & Adam so that I can start a new life aboard.
***

Anyway, masa tengah ambik diploma dulu,I had an affair dengan one off my classmate, dia budak Senawang. Percentaan tu last for 3 semester only. I left him sebab tak koser nak layan budak malas belajar plus stubborn. Things yang buat I hangin is bila dia sokmo refused nak attend art class which dia tak berkenan dengan the lecturer. End up dia repeat that subject sampai 3 kali then dismiss. I don’t understand what was in his mind.Dia tak firik about his parent feeling ke?Dia tak fikir about his own future ke?Marah betul I that time.For the reason which cannot be explain, I do sayang him actually (sampai la ni pon rasa sayang tu ada lagi) but tidak la sedalam sayang I pada Fernando.

Lepas kena dump dengan I yang chantik ni boleh pulak dia main konda kondi dengan akak senior from Sarawak (sebab nak sakitkan hati i).Pompuan tu pulak asal jumpa I je nak buat muka tak puas hati bukan ke dia patut buat sujud syukur,if not tak merasa la nak dapat my ex boye friend tau.Tapi tu la after I left him tu kan my life turn upside down and I nearly nak quit study then I met Bang Hj…I marah dia actually, cause I thought I just want to jolt him by saying yang I want to leave him,boleh pulak dia jatuh cinta dengan mak cik tu and he refused to talk to me bertahu tahun.Masa I tengah buat degree,my friend Lynn met him during the akak senior's convocation then dia sempat la kirim salam kat I and I know marah dia pada I da habis.Dia rindu I sebenarnya…

Few years back, before I nak menikah,I ada cakap dengan him through fb.I told him yang I marahkan dia sebab after I left him macam macam bad thing happened to me and I told him about the akak senior (tak chantik langsung) yang sokmo la duk staring staring I as if I pulak yang ambik laki dia.I juga invited him to my wedding tapi tu la dia tak datang pon.After I menikah pulak (masa I was in bandar puaka) once in a while I still cakap dengn him lagi tapi tu la it’s very difficult to tell him yang I masih sayang kan dia.Even masa tu rumah tangga I sokmo la di landa todak.Perhaps it because of I do respect my husband dignity la.

Recently pulak I notice that dia sokmo duk stalked me on the instageram and he end up to love my picture (yang serupa pompuan mati laki sebab baru balik keje & penat) & few days ago dia love Adam’s picture pulak. Then boleh pulak I had a dream about him but tu la I tak pernah la pulak terfikir nak contact him.I heard dia masih lagi dengan akak senior from Sarawak,nak kawin tak ada duit lagi and the akak senior(keje as cikgu) pulak setia la menunggu buah tak jatuh tu.

Deep down I know that he’s still love me too, I tahu dia rindukan I jugak and I juga tahu he know about my marriage situation from the bff puaka(swine!)
***

Seriously I adalah sangat desperate, I miss of being wanted. I rindu nak bercinta lagi.Sebab I sunyi sangat.No please don’t get me wrong ye, it’s not about sex.I rindu nak p shopping baju cantik then p date,I rindu nak walk to the park,I rindu ada orang tergila gilakan I ,I rindu nak receive a bouquet of roses dan banyak lagi la.


On top of it,I still rasa that I’am soooo lucky cause I ada Adam…


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

dosa kemarin


Hati Kak Rozi retak seribu when she finally found out her laki agong rupa rupanya hari hari mengadap whatsapp,texting (meluah rasa) his ex-girlfriend (kak jan).She don’t have the strength to confront the laki so mak cik tu meluakan rasa sedihnya pada kawan kawan.Mintak advise la kaedahnya.Katanya let say if lakinya decide nak menikah dengan that janda,”akak memang tak sanggup nak bermadu,akak nak mintak cerai”.She never had an answer when I asked about nasib anak anaknya after the cerai berai nanti.Ye la anak 5 orang kot,yang dia nya pulak sokmo la financial trouble .Sikit sikit mintak tolong orang sana sini instead of menyusahkan laki agog.

I tak paham all this while terang terang the laki memang useless, nak lepas diri sendiri je which tak berapa nak jalankan tangungjawab as laki and bapak,nusyuz,selfish blablabla…dan berperangai babi.Berbelas belas tahun mak cik tu sabar and taat setia but bila dapat tahu laki ada betina lain baru la cakap yang dia had enough. Eh bukan ke all this while ko jugak yang galakan laki ko berperangai puaka then what made her so upset retak seribu segala when she found out about the affair?.Bukan ke jantan lahanat tu datang dengan package which we women have to deal with it sama ada suka atau tidak.I cakap dengan Kak Rozi yang I sikit pon tak terkejut dengan apa yang laki dia buat.Menangis nangis mak cik tu.Meanwhile sempat lagi dia kirim my friend kat Hong Kong sana to belikan lakinya punya birthday present.Rasa nak cekik diri sendiri.

My kakaks include Kak Ngah(yang kejap cakap support I then change her mind pulak cakap what am I doing is wrong) sokmo tak seuju dengan cara I handle that jantan.Kak Ana kata I ni kasar & stubborn which as a wife, I must respect that jantan even dia layan I serupa babi sekali pon.Katanya lagi sejahat mana pon that jantan and the family (read:mak mertua agong) tak ada la zalim macam firaun and I kena terima takdir yang telah tertulis untuk I (wtf) and that is one of so many many reasons why am trapped in this marriage.Being me yang suka menjawab, I’d said my peace. I just fight for my right at least nampakla jugak improvement nya on that jantan. I don’t say yang I tak percaya pada ketentuan tuhan,in fact I tak pernah putus berdoa semoga tuhan jauhkan I dari terus dizalimi dia anak beranak.
***

Adam has often asked me about the bapak whenever we’re away from home or just merayap at mall belakang rumah and I told him that we will meet the bapak once we come back. I pulak selalu trick him with the silly question like’mommy nak pegi work jauh, can Adam stay at home with bapak?”.Budak tu akan merengek rengek manja and replied “no! Adam nak ikot mommy naik awoplain (read: aeroplane )”.I watch him with the bapak and am touched by the joy of their relationship. Now I do understand the feeling when Bang Hj sokmo cakap “I pity my innocent kids that why I choose to stay with the malas wife”.