Wednesday, May 20, 2015

dosa kemarin


Hati Kak Rozi retak seribu when she finally found out her laki agong rupa rupanya hari hari mengadap whatsapp,texting (meluah rasa) his ex-girlfriend (kak jan).She don’t have the strength to confront the laki so mak cik tu meluakan rasa sedihnya pada kawan kawan.Mintak advise la kaedahnya.Katanya let say if lakinya decide nak menikah dengan that janda,”akak memang tak sanggup nak bermadu,akak nak mintak cerai”.She never had an answer when I asked about nasib anak anaknya after the cerai berai nanti.Ye la anak 5 orang kot,yang dia nya pulak sokmo la financial trouble .Sikit sikit mintak tolong orang sana sini instead of menyusahkan laki agog.

I tak paham all this while terang terang the laki memang useless, nak lepas diri sendiri je which tak berapa nak jalankan tangungjawab as laki and bapak,nusyuz,selfish blablabla…dan berperangai babi.Berbelas belas tahun mak cik tu sabar and taat setia but bila dapat tahu laki ada betina lain baru la cakap yang dia had enough. Eh bukan ke all this while ko jugak yang galakan laki ko berperangai puaka then what made her so upset retak seribu segala when she found out about the affair?.Bukan ke jantan lahanat tu datang dengan package which we women have to deal with it sama ada suka atau tidak.I cakap dengan Kak Rozi yang I sikit pon tak terkejut dengan apa yang laki dia buat.Menangis nangis mak cik tu.Meanwhile sempat lagi dia kirim my friend kat Hong Kong sana to belikan lakinya punya birthday present.Rasa nak cekik diri sendiri.

My kakaks include Kak Ngah(yang kejap cakap support I then change her mind pulak cakap what am I doing is wrong) sokmo tak seuju dengan cara I handle that jantan.Kak Ana kata I ni kasar & stubborn which as a wife, I must respect that jantan even dia layan I serupa babi sekali pon.Katanya lagi sejahat mana pon that jantan and the family (read:mak mertua agong) tak ada la zalim macam firaun and I kena terima takdir yang telah tertulis untuk I (wtf) and that is one of so many many reasons why am trapped in this marriage.Being me yang suka menjawab, I’d said my peace. I just fight for my right at least nampakla jugak improvement nya on that jantan. I don’t say yang I tak percaya pada ketentuan tuhan,in fact I tak pernah putus berdoa semoga tuhan jauhkan I dari terus dizalimi dia anak beranak.
***

Adam has often asked me about the bapak whenever we’re away from home or just merayap at mall belakang rumah and I was told him that we will meet the bapak once we come back. I pulak selalu trick him with the silly question like’mommy nak pegi work jauh, can Adam stay at home with bapak?”.Budak tu akan merengek rengek manja and replied “no! Adam nak ikot mommy naik awoplain (read: aeroplane )”.I watch him with the bapak and am touched by the joy of their relationship. Now I do understand the feeling when Bang Hj sokmo cakap “I pity my innocent kids that why I choose to stay with the malas wife”.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

antara dua darjat


When the first time I saw Adam, the love I felt for him was overwhelming and it still is, I tak pernah terfikir yang I akan sayang Adam sebanyak dan sebesar ini (sebab I hate the bapak until this moment).Bila tengok muka Adam,I see a bit of him and nenek agong too.Yes,muka Adam memang sebijik muka the nenek agong, the arrogant face.Itu pon still cakap muka Adam buruk then siap cakap yang dia tak nak lagi cuci lelaki degil & stubborn (macam dia la), sebab both cucu agong pompuan khennn...Eh karang next year anak pompuan ko termengandung lagi dapat anak jantan kembar 3 baru ko tahu.As a mother, I know that I must fight to look after and protect Adam from orang orang tak guna around us.I tak kan biarkan orang orang lahanat macam tu displease or hurt Adam.
***

Just recently Bella balik kampog then mymum tak habis habis mintak dia bawak ziarah her friend yang tengah sakit katanya (kawan kampong jugak).So pompuan tu pon tebalkan la muka pergi rumah mak cik Sol buat appointment, mintak kebenaran actually. Macam nak jumpa pak menteri,padahal jiran.We make it short je la ye,the next day pompuan tu gigih la tolak mymum on her wheelchair p rumah mak cik Sol then bagi salam few times, orang dalam rumah tu tak buka pintu.What made her upset is dalam rumah tu memang ada orang.The thing is she made a bloody appointment. Politely datang dulu tanya boleh ke mak aku datang nak tengok ko.Bukan datang suka suka bukan datang mintak sedekah!. It’s a knife in my heart when every time I think about that incident.

Me: why you tell me this?

Bella: because I want you to know b..you must know.

Me: ko tahukan they don’t like us (read: orang kampong) then why on earth ko usung mak pegi rumah dia?

Bella: aku tak terfikir they will treated us like that, i thought they’d changed.

Me:changed mendenya??? They never change. They will always treat us like a shit!

Bella: Sorry sis. Please remind me next time not to bring this stupid story again

Bila Bella tanya mymum,katanya maybe orang tu tengah sembahyang.Fuhhh… being mymum yang sokmo merendah diri dan bersangka baik, they simply displease her but I tak terkejut pon cause adik beradik mymum pon jahat jahat belaka.Tamak haloba and stil jugak la tak kaya kaya (miskin hina) and the best part anak anak dia useless (refer to adik mymum yang ada hati nak halau her dari tanah sekakngkang kera tu).
I sedih dan menangis,I harap mymum baik baik sahaja.
***

I know that the bapak loves Adam just as much as I do and we’ve worked hard (yes we do) to give him a proper family. The bff (la sangat) badmouthed about me yang tak lagi mengadu domba about my broken marriage and I can’t stop them. They can talk anything cause I don't bother.I lost the will to please them…


Saturday, March 28, 2015

lelaki


Sometimes, I wonder why I chose this path.

A few days ago that jantan ada tanya I,katanya I ni sayang lagi ke tidak dengan dia.Of course la I tergelak bila dengar that question kan then I replied, I told him the truth fact. Dia diam seribu bahasa…

Lepas tu I had a long conversation with Bella about this topic, oh ya before that I nak bagi tahu yang Bella da pindah to Dandenong dengan laki orang putih dia tu. I told her about what was happened last week,as usual pompuan tu marah gila dengan nenek agong then katanya,”ko ni sangat sabar kan,if I were you sure aku da lari”.Then I pon cakap la yang I memang nak lari sangat but until now I still tak tahu where should I go.I tak ada plan,all this while I just go with the flow.

Bella: Yes I know,your life is hard but ok let say ko berambus away from that house then ko kawin lain belum tentu lagi laki ko tu nanti lebih baik than Abang S.Trust me ko tak akan jumpa laki yang perfect.

Me:Ish,ko ni kan ada ke aku cakap aku nak carik jantan lain.

Bella: Bukan ke ko selalu mengadu sunyi la , tak cinta la…

Me:That true,memang sunyi,memang tak cinta and yes aku da tak lalu nak hadap semua ni but for the time being aku tak ada choice,Adam kecik lagi.

Bella: Kak Ana cakap,jahat sangat ke Abang S tu,ada zalim macam firaun tak?

Me: Why you tell me this?

Bella:Dia suruh aku tanya ko.

Me:Oh please la.Of course firaun tu lagi zalim…

I admitted to her that I’m desperate. I memang selalu terfikir yang if let say I kelua from this house, I try to back on the track, after that (maybe after 1 or 2 year) baru I akan consider about nak kawin lagi. The main point why I meroyan is because I da penat sangat nak hadap the drama.

I selalu rasa yang I ni bukan muda lagi(I rasa macam da tua sangat).I’ve change a lot. I wonder boleh ke I nak bercinta lagi.At my age, jantan yang nak kawan dengan I mostly da ada bini (yang ni next time je la I cerita ok) and jantan around my age pulak sure looking for a single women. If I told Tipah or the others (read: my bff) yang selama I menikah dengan that jantan,sekali pon I tak penah curang,sure pompuan tu fikir banyak kali.Tapi tu la memang tak ada pon. Bang Hj tu punya la janji bulan bintang if I leave that jantan he willing to jaga I siang malam (macam dia tu hebat sanagt) sikit pon I tak tergoda.

I ada terfikir satu saat nanti bila Adam da besar and ada life sendiri then how about me,masa tu sure I da tua sangat(tak kan da tua baru nak divorce) then I will stay with that jantan and the drama sampai mati.Ok I admit, uols sure perasan kan (kalau perasan la) lately ni I jarang meroyan about him, it not because dia tu da berubah jadi baik but yes lately ni so far dia da boleh tolerate sikit dengan I and Adam recently for the 1st time after so many many years I jadi binik suruhan, dia belikan I present during my birthday and dia punya baran pon tak ada la teruk sangat macam dulu (or because dia da penat nak layan I yang suka melawan ).
***

I mimpi jumpa Fernando,I cium tangan dia then minta maaf for everything.I do told him yang selama bertahun tahun ni I tak pernah lupakan dia (siap nangis nangis segala).Bila I tersedar I memang betul betul nangis ok.
***

Bella said everybody has their own obstacles and she knows that I am smart and strong enough to solve my problems.