Wednesday, February 27, 2013

the heartbreaking and tears


I only have about 27 days to go before the edd coming.Well,just like in my previous entry I've written about the preparation yang serupa ada tak ada itu,botol susu anak pon tak beli lagi ok dan layanan kelas 3 oleh laki I and tetamu terhormat.Bila dikenang kenangkan memang sangat menyakitkan jiwa raga but for some reasons which cannot be explained I memang tak punya (for tis moment la) kuasa untuk membela nasib diri dan hanya mampu merempan in this blog.Yes tis blog is a medium where I could express my feeling,so please be good to me and I do remember pesan from my dear kakak gaduh,Bella:"Don't over talk about yourself cause your hater will curse you".It true cause I've received some nasty comment from mak encik anon.Should I care ke???

Recently I found tanda tanda yang menunjukan laki I had excitement between his legs behind my back.Ye la da tak centa kan(but how could that jantan buat I termengandung and suffer like tis???).I tak terkejut pon cause I know jantan like him boleh buat apa saja and it's not the first time actually.Then when I sindir sindir him about it that jantan just buat tak paham as if I bercakap dengan tiang.I pulak adalah sangat malas nak pening peningkan pale otak memikirkan nya dan I juga tak koser nak confront him,the last time he denied,tak ke nanti nampak nau yang aku ni meroyan,beside the evidence sangat la weak.So let it be la or just let the truth speak by it self.

Lately both of us da jarang bertekak.I think it because of that jantan so excited nak dapat anak which he's been waiting tis for many years.Everyday dok tanya the same question,"yang nak bagi baby nama apa ye?".Pandai ko la sana but I will make sure la that jantan tak bagi nama anak I serupa nama anak anak his ex-betina,just like my first pregnancy dulu.Tak ke perangai tu serupa haram jadah?Sudahnya aku yang bagi nama anak,puas hati dan I juga yang suffer bila anak tu pergi buat selamanya.Tu belum kira aku ni dituduh tak reti jaga anak lah,tak reti nak p visit kubur anak ,etc.Everytime that jantan did something yang menyakitkan hati I akan balik to my parent's house berhari hari otherwise I will berkurung dalam bilik or mengemas rumah sampai sakit pinggang.Tapi tu la bila yang disini da tak cari pasal yang disana pulak buat pasal.

I ni anak kampong,my parent pulak dulunya kerja biasa biasa saja dan bukan dari golongan professional but at least makapak I ada self respect dan the best part is they don't need to be depending or dalam erti kata yang lebih jelas is tak menyusahkan orang nak kena bagi makan minum .Tetamu terhormat yang dulunya sangat I respect turn into ****(bila da benci) so senang senang je la depa duk mengata asal usul keturunan I.Macam macam la I ni dikata nya and I tak ada right to defend myself cause I kena respect orang tua(pesan from my sister, Anna).Bila bercakap ikut sedap mulut je as if I ni tak ada perasaan.Gaduh dengan kaum kerabat depa dengan I sekali tak pasal pasal jadi mangsa.Sometimes I was confused,I ke yang menumpang rumah depa?.I thought cukup la laki I sorang je yang treated me like a shit but I was wrong.So bertahun tahun la I berdiam diri.Tak cukup lagi,recently depa juga susahkan I dengan housechore yang bertimbun,masak tak reti nak kemas,bilik tidur so dusty dan berbau,toilet pon tak reti nak cuci ok if let say I biar for 1 week,maka dengan slumber badak la depa duk guna,disgusting ok.Kalau yang buat perangai huduh lagu tu is typical jantan bujang pengotor or budak budak tak hape ok but it is orang tua yang mengaku dirinya adalah kelas...They don't care pon yang I ni sarat mengandung.Belum kira lagi depa duk masuk campur about everything in tis house.Dan I sangat tertunggu tunggu the comment from them about my second baby,nak la aku dengar that lahanat make a comparison between my baby and their kaum kerabat yang kelas itu...

I tak tahu sampai bila I boleh bertahan dan sometimes I tak happy with tis pregnancy.When I tells tis to Bella,pompreng tu siap offer lagi if let say I meroyan ke or hangin satu badan during confinement nanti,she and laki mat salleh nya sudi menjaga my baby... tears drop.I just can't imagine what will going to be happen if I had tis baby soon.I'am so terrified.I takut tak dapat jadi mak yang baik and the worst part I takut tak berlaku adil dengan my own baby cause I myself hate the father...

my heart break....









Friday, February 22, 2013

pergilah sayang...


I'am currently in my 3 trimester and I've been having braxton hicks a lot.Sakit ok dan sebenarnya I was suffers from ocd,asik nak mengemas duapulohpat jam.I pon tak tahu why tis house is so dusty and why orang orang itu pemalas nak mampos.Sudahnya my legs were aching badly and I had a back pain too.Exhausted tak usah cakap la kan.How I wish laki I and tetamu terhormat in tis house boleh tolong sama but harapan tinggal harapan saja...

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Tetamu terhormat da start cari pasal dengan I.They treat me as if I orang suruhan in tis house and the worst part is cakap cakap yang keluar from their big mouth sangat menyakitkan,siap duk mengata keturunan I lagi...When I tells tis to laki terchintaik,he'd didn't find a word to say to me or maybe he just don't care.Oh,I need tempat mengadu...

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The last time I met Bang Hj sangat la drama so I've decided tak akan aku jumpa jantan tembam itu lagi.I ada banyak reasons,I'am felt a lot of shame and guilty cause I ni masih lagi binik jantan itu.Actually since last January lagi I da kureng berhubungan dengan Bang Hj.Bila org tua tu call or text,I answered sepatah sepatah saja and most of the times aku tak jawab langsung.Orang tua tu da paham la I guess and currently he'd finally told me about mak janda from Kuala Selangor yang sedang menagih cinta from him.I said,"good for you la cause masih ada yang sayang".Then orang tua tu boleh tanya,"you don't mind ka?".Yes I don't give a damn about hobby menyundal tak sudah you tu.Da jadi darah daging.Beside,I'am not your wife so what should I care???.Laki I menyundal pon I tak ambik pusing but of course la I hope he will get caught someday.Senang sikit keja I khenn...

Orang tua tu tanya I lagi,"bila you nak divorce?".I said,"my business is my business and please please please...leave me alone,jangan nak sibuk!".Terus sentap jantan tua tu.I ni tengah sarat mengandung ok,banyak lagi benda nak kena fikir.I don't understand apa la yang orang tua tu sibuk sangat but for sure orang tua tu memang suka tengok I hidup merana.Don't you remember Bang Hj,if let say I menjada and lonely and pathetic ada jantan sincere from the Twin Tower yang will always embrace me and I will definitely go to the jantan muda dan single like him cause it's worth it.If you thought I will menyembah you to take me back,you thought wrong ok!!!

I've tried but it hard to say good bye,deep in my heart centa sesuci embun pagi itu memang tak ada langsung untuk jantan tua like him but I sangat sayangkan our friendship...

Bang Hj,pergi la sayang