Thursday, April 25, 2013

apa ertinya cinta


Few weeks ago Fernando was texted me during my 29th birthday.I tabahkan hati,selalu macam ni tau.Rasanya I da tak ingatkan dia lagi but why la dia rajin sangat to texted me.I didn't reply him back,cause I cuba untuk berhenti berharap.Bergenang air mata I,rasa nak aku baling ipong cap hayam ni but I tried to control myself cause that time jantan lahabau was next to me and if only that jantan known about it he'll be devastated( I could not care less ok).Ish...tak pasal je I kena lempang,pantang tak habis lagi pulak tu.

Back to Fernando,I know that he will always remember everything about me.Mati la if tunangan him yang perasan muka serupa binik Kelantan's goalkeeper(nak muntah ok) tu tahu. Nak nak lagi on the special occasion like that.I da lama tak dapat bunga and present too.I miss being treated right.There is time I will think about him,dari siang sampai ke malam specially the one that make me miss him so much.The happiest moments when I was with him.It's a knife in my heart when everytime I heard about his new relationship.Rasa macam nak tikam tikam diri sendiri.Bertahun tahun I cuba lupakan him but I don't know why,why it is hard to erase him and the memories from my mind.

Sometimes I was hoping Tuhan bagi I peluang untuk menebus segala kesilapan I pada Fernando and I promise, I'll be better to him.The truth is I terima ketentuan ini,this is the price I had paid for my mistake.Asik terkenag kenang ni,tak habis bayar lagi ke?

The jantan lahabau buat buat tak tahu during my birthday.The fact is I could not care less anymore cause da bertahun tahun ok and I will buat bodoh too when it come to his turn.Yes,I'am not the good binik and I tried and tried to be sama lahabau just like him.

***

Adam just received a parcel from my so called future boypreng dalam mimpi(jantan from twin tower tu la)but what make me got sentap is barang yang dihantar tu rege nya I guess tak sampai $25 pon.No am not mata duitan type ok but I don't expect la jantan serupa him yang gajinya 14x banyak than laki I bagi benda serupa itu.

Ish....betul la kot the rumors yang mengatakan that jantan is Hj Bakhil that why the ex-binik cabot larik...please la I tak nak get involve dengan jantan begini lagi ok!.Tak kan la after visited rumah rimau lahabau then nak p visit rumah buaya lahanat pulak...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

the pantang


Menjaga infant yang so demanding,innocent,so manja dan berpantang berseorangan serupa tak berlaki sangat la mencabar kesabaran dan keimanan I yang senipis onion's skin ini.

I still remember the 1st day nak mandikan anak yang so small(beratnya cukup cukup 3kg),punya la nervous, macam macam doa I baca dan sempat la I menangis se round dua cause teringatkan my mak at home,how I wish my mak and suku sakat I selalu ada next to me and sometimes tu kan I macam tak pecaya je yang I mampu deal with this situation.Drama air mata tu tak usah cakap la kan,asal sentap je I menangis.Puas la Tipah duk nasihatkan I,"tak elok menangis time pantang ni b,nanti hang get bentan".Macam ada experience je but Bang Hj cakap menangis je la at least it can relief the pain.About berpantang pulak I ada ramai consultant yang pandai pandai belaka.Beside adik beradik yang so supportive,my bff juga selalu la duk monitor I from far far away.My bff,AD5 siap threatened me about the consequences if let say I tak pantang betul betul.Tergelak besar pompuan tu when I said I will tungku her too if she come to my house nanti.I love 'em much much...

Many years, I’ve suffered from ocd and shifting mood,yes it's not easy jadi pompuan macam I specially bila harus terpaksa berhadapan dengan set set cilaka banat ni kan.They don't care less pon about my feeling apatah lagi nak hargai susah payah dan pengorbanan I.Orang lain(most of kawan kawan I) time pantang macam ni la duk bermanja manja but I tak usah mimpi la ye.Seisi rumah ni I kena uruskan sendiri.Rumah I adalah so dusty and am afraid if my son pon allergy macam I.Dalam pada luka from episiotomy yang masih raw dan so sakit,I sorang sorang la p basuh kain,jemur kain,angkat kain then fold the kain too.Jantan lahanat don't care less pon.Well,I know jantan tu sayangkan our son and I've no doubt about it but when it come about jaga anak time,that jantan selalu bagi excuse.Sakit betul hati aku ni.I ni since balik hospital sampai la ni tak cukup rest.Until today,jangan kata nak tolong cuci bottle anak buat susu pon tak mahu ok,berjaga malam lagi la tak usah diharap.Weekday boleh la bagi reason yang ko tu keja but on weekend pon that jantan boleh buat bodoh je anak melalak tengah malam.Bila I tegur him, he will talk harshly just to provoked me.Perangai serupa haram jadah,tak apa la esok anak tu da besar tahu la dia perangai bapak dia macam mana then boleh la ko blame aku ye jantan!

I don't have the strength to talk about how his suku sakat treated me since I duk sarat meghintung hari until terberanak dan berpantang.Cukup la I nyatakan disini that they treated me like a babi ye bukan baby and yes I serahkan segalanya pada yang diatas sana untuk mengadilinya dan adik beradik I juga sangat tired with the drama.Orang da benci sangat so why I nak kena stay in tis house lagi,masa untuk berambus makin hampir.

Talk about my infant Adam,he's just an ordinary baby.Tak de la cute giler macam anak tiri tak jadi that jantan(Kak Hapam's anak le) and after so many years finally I've found the true meaning of love,ye la that jantan kan tak centa I(aku ni bertarung nyawa lahirkan anak dia,janji nak bagi present tu sah sah la serupa janji kap lam nak menang undi,say "thank you sayang" pon tak hade ok).Rasa centa itu datang specially when the first time I hold him in my arm.Masa pregnant dulu I sangat takut yang I tak mampu sayang Adam cause I didn't expect the pregnancy actually,Adam lahir bukan atas nama cinta(puihh...) the parent yang mereng specially the bapak and I myself hate the jantan so bad but it change afterI saw Adam born.I love Adam as much as I love his late-sister,Zara.Tak kurang dan tak lebih.Adam is so lucky cause everybody love him specially my suku sakat.

That jantan cakap I ni tak ada pendapatan tetap,tak berharta la kaedahnya so I jangan mimpi nak dapat hak penjagaan (ish...susah nau nak cari ayat yang sesuai).I myself tak penah pon terfikir nak rebut rebut Adam.Dia pikir aku bodoh apa???.Eh,I kena cari kerja dulu then baru fikir about berambus.I dengar cakap Tipah.Dia tak tahu ke I ada candidate from twin tower yang wang ringgitnya 14 kali lebih banyak than him...

Mommy sayang Adam so much & mommy janji akan sentiasa ada bersama Adam.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

kerana mu anak oh buah hati mommy...


Yes kawan kawan sekalian,I've finally delivered a baby ****.Macam mimpi je I da terberanak cause masa mengandung tu rasanya like a long long journey.My baby looks like exactly like the father(jantan cilanat itu) and their kaom kerabat.Tak hade ikut I langsung ok.What to do kan.Bella cakap it's because of masa pregnant dulu I menyampah gila with the jantan and the suku sakat.Emotional sangat I ni,sikit sikit nangis so my baby pon asik la menangis kerejenya.Mak tension nak....

I beranak melalui kaedah vaginal delivery.The pain tak usah cakap la kan,so sakit...but yang memilih kaedah ini adalah I.The contraction started very slow around 10 am in the morning.Masa sakit nak terberanak tu the doctor was suggested me a c-section.Tak sakit katanya beside the doctor said my baby heartbeat tak memuaskan.Disuruhnya I p tengok at the ctg's monitor,mana la I tahu about mende mende begitu kan.The doctor duk la explained kat I about the procedure but I yang keras kepala serupa batu ni tetap la nak vaginal delivery juga,bila ditanya,"mengapa puan memilih kaedah itu?".Masa tu da bukak 5cm.Sambil tahan sakit I pon menjawab,cause it's easier to taking care of the episiotomy wound,doc.Macam pandai je...Around malam baru la I terberanak.

Well,kisah beranak I adalah sangat menyakitkan jiwa raga actually, we had a big fight at the hospital and yes...ianya juga melibatkan drama air mata.Puas la si Tipah and Bella duk pujuk I through whatsapp.Tak baik menangis time pantang katanya.When I look back,sedih sangat ok cause orang lain (kawan kawan I) happy je lakibinik dapat anak but I lakibinik duk bergaduh tak sudah,bukannya nak bagi I semangat ke hape,da la aku ni penakut nak mampus.That time Bang Hj was in Perth and Bella too,jauh di seberang laut sana.Sempat la I texted Bella and my adik beradik,mintak hampun and tinggalkan segala macam wasiat if let say anything happen to me during beranak nanti (hover sangat)and I kuat kan hati,macam macam doa I baca.

***

Maka berpantang la I sendirian bersama hati yang terluka dan parut episiotomy yang so hodoh itu.

Today da masuk hari ke-2*.I'd talk to the jantan few days ago about the penceraian but that jantan said,"nak cerai pasai pa?.Kita kan da ada anak".Eh,bukan ke masa I pregnant dulu you cakap anytime je you boleh ceraikan I.Dasar jantan!